The Causes Of Jealousy

It is important to distinguish behaviors that trigger jealousy from the actual causes of jealousy themselves.

A man flirting with your woman is not a cause of jealousy. It is a trigger, an event that makes you react in a jealous way. The real issue is hiding beneath the surface.

Common triggers for jealousy are anything that involves another man near your woman such as talking, flirting or hanging out.

It also goes beyond intimate relationships and into other areas such as career. When other people are more successful than you or achieve something you want then it can trigger off a jealous reaction.

To understand the real causes of jealousy you need to examine the underlying negative thought patterns that cause inflamed feelings at certain times.

Insecurity As One Of The Causes Of Jealousy

At the root of jealousy is insecurity. It is the most significant of all potential causes of jealousy. However the causes of jealousy and the causes of insecurity are not the same thing. Insecurity is where a man is not comfortable in his own skin and because he does not accept himself he cannot understand how other people do either.

Given that feeling he cannot understand why his girlfriend or wife would want to be with them and therefore he perceives her to be constantly plotting a way to leave him. Any interaction with another man he sees as a threat. Therefore he reacts jealously when she is in the company of other men as a subconscious way of protecting the relationship. He thinks he can prevent her inevitably leaving him if only he prevents her from ever talking to another man.

It is a chain reaction that leads to jealousy and insecurity is one of the major links up the chain.

Low Self Esteem

Closely linked with insecurity is lack of self esteem. While it is good to always be improving oneself at the same time there is a need to accept oneself for who we are. A man with low self esteem cannot accept himself. Nor does he try and improve himself. And if he did he wouldn't accept himself anyway.

Instead he wallows in self pity and does not believe that he truly deserves anything he has, including his relationship. Therefore he is fearful that he might lose it and again acts jealously as a defensive reaction.

The Need For Acceptance And Reinforcement From Others

A confident secure and non-jealous man is that way because he chooses to be. He does not need validation or permission from anyone else. He does not crave attention, acceptance or reinforcement.

Coupled with low self esteem jealousy can arise from the need for acceptance from others because there is no acceptance from the self.

In this case a jealous man needs continuing reassurance from his partner that she accepts, loves and is there for him. If he doesn't get this on a regular basis it is an instant cause for of jealousy as he thinks that if the constant reinforcement dries up then his woman no longer loves him and thus must be thinking about leaving him. This is incredibly draining on a woman's emotions and this is often the reason why constant jealousy will drive a woman away.

Fear

Some people live their lives with intent and others with fear. Those who live their lives with intent set goals and take steps to achieve them. They never play the victim and they take responsibility for their lives. Those who live in fear never take conscious action towards their goals. They live their lives at the whims of circumstance.

Whatever they have they are afraid to lose because they do not believe that they have he ability to get it back or even get something better. So many men cling so tightly to their partner because they are afraid that if they lose her they will never find another lover. This makes them possessive and overly protective and becomes one of the major causes of jealousy.

Possessiveness and Protectiveness

To a degree possessiveness and protectiveness are a good thing. After all if you are in a committed relationship then your woman does in some way belong to you and you to her. You do not own her but if you have an exclusive relationship then there is a certain expectation. It is natural to feel a little protective and woman like to know that their man cares about them. In this case this cause of jealousy is nothing to worry about.

However this can easily be taken too far and is the downfall of many a jealous man. You only belong to each other by consent. That consent can be withdrawn. When a man gets jealous he will often find himself in a position where the woman is pulling away. She feels the possessiveness constricting so she distances herself for a bit of freedom. This causes the man to become even more possessive and a vicious cycle begins.

Some anthropologists argue that in tribal socities where monogamy was absent jealousy was also absent. The argument is that since nobody had any exclusive rights to have sex with another person then there was no possessiveness and thus no cause for jealousy.

That is interesting to note but at the same time must be tempered by the fact that we do live in a society where monogamy is the norm and exclusive rights to sex are expected. In this case a small level of possessiveness is normal but when it goes over the line it can easily spiral out of control.

Protecting Biological Territory

On the other hand some anthropologists argue that jealousy is just our biological animal instinct to protect the mates we have rightfully won from competing males.

I can sympathize with this argument for the causes of jealousy and in fact I advocate primal living on many different levels. However in this case you will definately raise the ire of the modern woman if you try and claim that she is your mate that you have rightfully won. Remember she is yours by consent only and that consent can be withdrawn. Treating her like a prize will not win you any favors.

If you are committed to dealing with jealousy I recommend a self hypnosis program called "Overcoming Jealousy." This is part of a larger program called "10 Steps To Overcoming Insecurity In Relationships."

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