Dealing With Insecurity After It Has Destroyed Your Relationship

Has insecurity ruined your relationship? Are you heartbroken but know that your insecurities are at least partly to blame?

I've previously written about how to overcome insecurity when you are in a relationship.

This article will instead focus on the best ways of dealing with insecurity if you find yourself in the unpleasant situation where the relationship has ended or is beyond repair.

Because to be honest, now is the best time to look in the mirror and do the soul searching. This means that you can bring your issues to the surface and overcome them before you enter into a new relationship and repeat the cycle once again.

Commit To Dealing With Insecurity

The first step actually take is to make a firm commitment to yourself that you will address this issue and then make sure you follow it through.

What you want to avoid is using insecurity issues as a crutch. The risk is that you fear getting too close to someone and subconsciously become insecure in order to drive your partner away.

In this scenario instead of taking ownership for yourself and the relationship you conveniently give yourself an out by blaming your problems on "insecurity issues."

If you then don't actually do anything about the issue then the cycle is doomed to repeat itself. You can deal with insecurity from within a relationship, but if it too late for that now make sure you commit to dealing with it while you are single and before you become involved with anyone new.

Uncover Issues From Past Relationships

If you most recent relationship has ended in disaster because of insecurity, it may be that the problem lies further back in your past. Insecure feelings normally develop due to an unpleasant experience. Perhaps that experience happened in a relationship some years back and you still haven't confronted the issue.

I had problems that lingered into my early twenties because of a few issues that developed in my first serious relationship at 16. I had shut out the memories of that relationship because I didn't like thinking about that person. I would have rather erased that period in my mind.

Ultimately this was detrimental in the long run and I had to go back and revisit the problems in that relationship and not try and black it out in order to move forward.

For you it may be a simple case of not trying to black out the past like I did. Another tactic is to go and confront the person who hurt you and see if you can get closure. That may not always be possible, but if it is, it is worth a shot. Alternatively a deep and meaningful chat with a trusted friend or family member may be able to give you some perspective on the issue. It's amazing what advice the older generations can give you on relationship issues if you are willing to listen. While much has changed in the world in the last few decades one thing that hasn't is relationships.

Overcome the Fear of Rejection

One of the major issues that surfaces when a person is insecure in a relationship is the fear of being rejected. In other words you are so scared that she is going to leave you that you cling on so tight that it drives her away.

This is something that needs to be confronted before you enter into a new relationship. Think back to your childhood and whether you had any attachment issues or reasons to be afraid of being rejected.

Through reflection and discussion with my parents I realized that I was holding on to two significant burdens in this regard. When I was about 3 or 4 my younger sister was very ill. My parents became so focussed on her that I felt rejected. Of course I shouldn't have, and it was natural for them to focus on her, but subconsciously I had carried this into adulthood. The other was my parent's divorce in my teens.

These are first world problems and many people will experience these issues. My point is that they can have a psychological effect without you actually realizing it. You don't need major therapy or anything to overcome these issues, but what you need to do is acknowledge their existence and acknowledge the fact that they have had an impact on you.

This action alone will bring major relief. I hadn't even realized that I had blacked out that part of my childhood but once I figured it out I understood myself so much better and got over it.

Work On Yourself

This is not the cliche that will be offered up by every piece of advice on getting over a break up.

This is a necessity for your own sake in any event, whether you are in a relationship or not. However it is crucially important if you have experienced a break up that was caused by insecurity.

You need to do this because you need to define who you are as an individual. Often insecurity problems come about because men "lose themselves" in the relationship as they allow themselves to be swallowed up into a bubble that fuses them with their partner.

It is important to maintain your own independent identity in a relationship in order to avoid insecurity. But to do this you need to actually have an identity and definition of yourself as a single person.

Feel free to completely rewrite the book here. Sit down and brainstorm the type of person you want to be. Then take small and regular steps in order to actually become that person. Figure out who you are and who you want to be so that you are confident and secure in yourself when you enter a new relationship further down the road.

Then be clear for the future on this key point. Only date women who understand that a relationship is not about two becoming one. It is about two independent individuals creating a space between them that is additional to their identities as individuals but does not replace their identities as individuals.

While "two becoming one" sounds romantic and makes for great pop songs, it is detrimental to a healthy relationship in the long run.

If you can do the things mentioned in this article you stand in good stead to overcome your insecurities and have your next relationship be a healthy, loving, secure one.

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