11-15% of women will cheat at least once in their lives. 1
That might sound like a scary fact but there is a bright side. It means that 85-89% of women will be faithful.
Being cheated on is a horrible thing that can leave a man broken. But if you live your life in fear of something bad happening, it gets in the way of enjoying the good stuff.
Overcoming this fear isn't about getting assurances. It is about opening yourself up to risk, being vulnerable and accepting that some things are just outside of your control.
These seven tips will help you deal with the fear of being cheated on, so you can enjoy life and hopefully enjoy a great relationship with one of the 85-89% of honorable women.
1. Understand That Cheating Is About Her Not You
One of the key fears around cheating is that it reflects badly on you as a man. You worry that you aren't satisfying your woman and therefore you assume that she will look for satisfaction elsewhere.
This is erroneous thinking, because if your girl is unhappy in the relationship she should be addressing these concerns with you in a respectful conversation. She should give the relationship a chance to work on things, or if she has had enough then she should break up with you. There is never any excuse for cheating.
Which means if she were to cheat, it wouldn't be about you are any of your perceived failings. It would be about her.
It would be because she chose to take the coward's way out and was clearly lacking in good character, honesty, integrity and basic manners.
While the deception will always hurt, it takes the pressure off by understanding it isn't because of any of your failures.
So if you feel inadequate now, then work on yourself and keep an open dialogue with your partner about how the relationship is going. Don't jump to conclusions about the fact that she must be cheated on you, because it is unlikely to be true.
2. Accept That Relationships Make You Vulnerable
Relationships are risky. You might get hurt.
What the fear of being cheated on centers around is the fear that you might get played for a fool. It's not actually the cheating that bothers people as much as it would be the not knowing.
Nobody likes to have misplaced their trust and faith in something that turned out to be wrong. Yet that is what relationships ask of you.
Choosing to be in a relationship with someone is a leap of faith. It's a risk because it might turn out badly. But just because it is a risk doesn't mean you should hold back. You have to feel the fear and trust your girlfriend anyway, making a committment to her while at the same time not knowing how it is going to turn out.
Putting your heart in her hands means you have to accept that you are not in control. This is a very difficult thing for many men to do, as they like control, and the idea that someone else holds so much power over them is disconcerting.
Choosing to trust blindly is a choice. You have to make it.
If you need help I recommend you check out the self hypnosis program 10 Steps To Overcoming Insecurity In Relationships.
3. Stop Seeking Reassurances
When you worry about your girlfriend cheating it is easy to start snooping, checking up on her or asking her for reassurances.
The reassurance might give you some temporary satisfaction but it never lasts.
Doubt creeps back in, and like a drug you go looking for your next hit of reassurance.
Stop doing it because it only makes you addicted and does nothing to help you build trust.
Trust means having faith without verification. It's hard, it's risky and it makes you vulnerable but that is how relationships work.
4. Be Confident In Your Worth As A Partner
If you lack self esteem it is easy to worry that your girl might leave you for another man, or worse cheat on you.
However if you are confident that you in fact are a great catch, then this concern is greatly diminished.
Building up your self esteem is not something that you can achieve overnight, but it can be a gradual process that you work on.
Obviously you have something good going for you if she hs chosen to be with you in the first place, so back yourself.
5. Don't Feel Inferior To Other Men
No two people are ever 100% perfect for each other. In a relationship you have to get with someone who is good enough match for you and the rest is cultivated over time through hard work, patience and compromise.
This means your committment to each other and the nurturing of your connection is much more important than whether you are the strongest, most handsome or richest man out there.
Don't worry that your girlfriend is going to trade you up to someone else. There will always be someone stronger or better looking or who makes more money. But that individual will never have the relationship connection that the two of you had.
A good woman knows that "trading up" doesn't work and the key is working hard on what you have.
So never let yourself feel inferior or worry that you are lacking in some area compared to others.
6. Actively Work On Your Relationship
In a happy thriving relationship there is no need for anyone to cheat. If you relationship is not happy then instead of worrying that your girl might stray, instead focus your energy into what you can do to improve it.
Famous relationship guru John Gottman argues that it is a man's job to lead a relationship and that a failed relationship is due to a failure in leadership. 2
So be proactive about doing something rather than worrynig about things going downhill. If you need help I recommend Gottman's book The Man's Guide to Women, and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
7. Talk To Her If You Are Genuinely Concerned
While you should logically accept that she probably isn't cheating on you, if you are genuinely concerned about something then bring it up in a mature conversation.
This isn't because you are always paranoid and constantly seeking reassurances. This is because something happened that gave you genuine cause for concern.
Use the conversation to work out whether or not you are being unreasonably paranoid. If you are then make sure you work on trust and don't descend into a constant need for reassurance.
These conversations work only if they are extremely rare, because it is a serious thing you are bringing up.
You can't be having such conversations on a regular basis because a faithful woman is not going to put up it for very long.
You can't live your life in fear of bad things happening. All you can do is enjoy life and hope for the best.
Of course that doesn't stop bad things from happening, but when they do you just have to take them in your stride.
Living in constant fear, with constant insecurity, is a horrible way to live.
Loving someone is a risk and that risk includes her hurting you, leaving you or cheating on you.
Vulnerability is the price you have to pay for love. It's worth it.
- Laumann, E. (1994).The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
- Gottman, J. et al (2016). The man's guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the "love lab" about what women really want. New York: Rodale.