Do you ever wonder if you girlfriend is good enough as a match for you or whether you ought to end the relationship and look for someone else.
It is a tough question. After you have been together long enough a difficult stage will inevitably arrive where things are incredibly challenging.
But that is normal and many people prematurely end good relationships at this point.
But how do you know whether you have just hit the inevitable rough patch, or whether you girl just isn't right for you? Answering that is impossible. At the end of the day you have to make a call and which ever one you make will ultimately be right.
However it is important to understand that just because you hit a rough patch and things aren't going smoothly, doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed. It just means that the easy love is over and you are beginning the difficult task of real love.
I cam across this TED talk the other day about artists and I found that it had an incredible point to make about pretty much anything, but particularly this issue in relationships of whether some is right for you.
It's called "Embrace The Near Win."
It is an art historian talking about how artists were rarely satisfied with their finished work and would often discard pieces that others believed to have great value.
Famous artists, she said, would often only sign 10% of the works they created.
However it is these "near wins" as she calls them, that drives the artist to improve and be better. It is the dissatisfaction and drive for mastery that propels them along.
In other words, not quite making it has incredible value, because you want to be better. The other point is that we should learn to find value in these near wins, instead of writing them off as failures.
This is a powerful message for any field of personal development, whether it is career, business, health, fitness or a creative pursuit.
If you desire to be better there is always a tension between being satisfied with where you are at now, and striving for better. If you are always striving for better then you will never be satisfied, but if you are always satisfied with mediocrity then you will never move forward.
It took me a long time to resolve this tension in myself. But after a lot of reading in the personal development field I learned that the answer is you have to be both. You have to both be satisfied with the progress you have made - satisfied with the near win - and still strive to be better. it is a fine line to tread, but it is possible. In fact you must learn to do it, if you want to progress and maintain your sanity at the same time.
Near Wins In Relationships
So how does this apply to relationships?
Relationships are unique from all other areas of personal development in this regard because of the fact that you are joining two people's lives and emotions, as well as the primal desire to reproduce.
In theory, you could always be on a quest for a better relationship. You could be with someone for a while, until the relationship runs its course and the lessons have been learned. Then you find someone new, someone better and repeat the process, gradually getting closer and closer to someone who is a 10/10 for you.
Some people live like this, and some personal development writers advocate such an approach to relationships.
I am more of a realist, in that I don't think you can ever find someone who is a perfect 10/10 for you. I think to end otherwise good relationships in a quest for perfection can lead to nothing but disappointment.
You will go through a few relationships, weeding out the rubbish, until you find some who is right for you in nearly every way. But she will never be 100% perfect.
In every other field you can always strive for more, for better, for perfection. In a relationship it's not quite the same. You can strive to make your relationship better, but if you constantly cycle through partners in the hope that each one will be better than the last and closer to perfection then it won't work.
What this comes down to is the fact that every woman will have some flaws. Rather than seeing this as something that requires you to trade her in for a new model, a better way of looking at it is to assess how close she is to a "near win."
If your partner is miles away from a near win and just isn't right for you, then of course end the relationship when the time is right and find someone better.
But if you are with someone who just seems oh so close but not quite perfect, you have to override the urge to quit and try again. At that point you have to accept the "near win" as being good enough and get down to the hard work of loving that woman.
Saying she is good enough is not a criticism of her for not being perfect. It is a reflection that no one will ever be perfect. Two people coming together to share a life is always going to be fraught with difficulty. The challenge is how effectively you overcome those difficulties to make it work.
My girl and I click on so many different levels that it just amazes me that I found her. After a lot of international travel I ended up meeting her 15 mins away from where I grew up. Turns out I didn't have to look far.
But we have one or two issues where we don't quite gel. If I was in the "constant improvement at all costs" mindset, perhaps that would give me cause to end the relationship and seek someone better who met all the traits of my current girlfriend with none of the flaws.
The problem is no such person exists. And if they did, how long would I have to spend looking. There would always be some other flaw or some niggling issue that would rear its head after enough team.
Eventually you have to break the cycle of always starting anew. The challenge of committing and making something work when you are "close enough" in compatibility is difficult. But that is the challenge to be overcome, not the challenge of finding the mythical perfect partner.
I know it won't be very romantic if I tell my girl that she is "good enough" and a "near win." But actually it means that I am committing to her and will put my all into making this relationship work.
- Why Men Display Insecurity In Relationships
- Overcoming Jealousy - How To Banish The Green Eyed Monster
- Jealousy And Insecurity - What's The Difference?
- The Causes Of Jealousy
- You Need To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend