Are you struggling to find a good woman?
You are looking for a long term relationship but only encounter shallow flaky women.
You've had problematic relationships in the past with women who threw up all sorts of red flags and you were lucky to get out.
This time you want to do it right and find a girl that is marriage material.
The problem is, you can't seem to find her.
In this post we are first going to look at why it's hard to find a woman who measures up and then explore how and where to find one.
Why It's Hard To Find A Good Woman
The Culture Is Crap
There has been lots written in recent years about the struggles men have dating in the West.
It's true that there a lot of women out there that are either emotionally unavailable, too immature or too career focussed to have a serious relationship. Or they have unrealistic expectations about what they want from a man and they bust your balls for no return.
You can blame it on feminism, politics, culture or whatever. But it's all out of your control.
It may be a legitimate reason why good women are hard to come by. But don't let it be an excuse to avoid doing what is necessary to find one of the few good women out there.
They may be fewer in number, but they are there and you can find them.
You Have Unrealistic Expectations
It's easy to sit back and place blame elsewhere as to why you haven't found a good woman.
But it is much more effective to accept responsibility for your circumstances and look in the mirror instead.
Maybe it is you who has unrealistic expectations. Perhaps your standards of what a good woman entails is too high to the point that you overlook quality candidates when they appear.
Alternatively perhaps you overestimate your own value in the dating market place, causing you to see most available women as beneath you.
A more honest appraisal of your own character and doing the personal development work required to lift your value are the remedies here.
You Don't Make The Effort
Women are often guilty of having a Disney princess approach to love. But they aren't the only ones, men are afflicted by the same diseases.
Just as women want to be swept off their feet by a knight in shining armor, men expect their damsel in distress to just appear as if by magic, without any effort required to go and look for her.
You cannot expect luck or destiny to do the hard work of dating for you. You have to take control and make an effort to expand your social circle, get out of your comfort zone and actually meet women.
This is particularly the case if you have finished high school and college. Those educational institutions provide a social life and dating opportunities on a platter. Once you leave dating takes more effort.
You Don't Know What You Want
It's pretty hard to identify a good woman if you don't know what you are looking for. What you define as good may not be what I define as good.
Since it's subjective you need to know what you want.
This can partly be solved with age, maturity and relationship experience. The more women you have dated, the more you know what you want and what you don't want. So just be patient.
On the other hand you also need to do some serious soul searching and actually work out what it is you are looking for. You won't be able to find a girl with a checklist but it does help having a good idea of what you want.
You will be surprised what comes your way when you are clear about your desires.
You Are Trying To Be Alpha Or Beta, Not Realizing You Need Both
Some guys try really hard to display all their alpha characteristics. But after that initial courtship, they start steadily dating and have none of the warm, nurturing qualities that women want as well.
Other guys go completely beta and are emotionally sensitive and caring but don't have the ability to sustain a long attraction because they lack alpha qualities.
The reality is that you need to have both alpha and beta qualities if you want to keep a good woman.
You need to keep the sexual attraction high, but you also need to have a softer side. 1
Yes, they want the good genes, but they also want economics success, emotional intimacy and the ability to be a good Dad. 2
You End Up With Emotionally Unhealthy Women Because You Too Are Emotionally Unhealthy
It is a fundamental law of dating and relationships that like attracts like. You will end up with women who are similar to you in terms of demographics and in terms of emotional stability.
If you are needy, lack vulnerability, have no boundaries and are looking for validation from a woman, then you are going to attract a woman on the same emotional plane. 3
Find A Good Woman By Becoming A Good Man
Solve Your Emotional Baggage
The key to finding and keeping a good woman is to improve yourself as a man.
Dating takes work, relationships take work and if you just sit back and expect it all to happen for you then you are in for a rude surprise.
However if you work on improving yourself then you lift your value in the dating marketplace. If you keep it up when you are in a relationship and don't slack off, then you will get to enjoy a wonderful relationship filled with personal growth.
The first key step is to address your own emotional baggage. We all have problems and negative experiences from childhood and adolesence that impact on the way we relate to to opposite sex.
Just as you can't ever escape or solve all your problems, you are never going to find a woman who doesn't have problems either. The key to a good relationship is being able to work through those things together.
And the best place to start is addressing your own issues.
Get over any bitterness you have towards women or past relationships and address the things that hold you back from experiencing a great relationship.
Get yourself ready for commitment, so that when you do find the right woman, you are prepared to do the hard work required to make it a success.
Get comfortable being yourself around woman. You can put your best foot forward, but don't put on a complete front in the early phases. If you do when you relax into the relationship and relax into being yourself, she is going to think you have changed.
You have to be yourself right from the start. That means knowing who you are and being comfortable with who you are. If you aren't, then you need to confront those issues.
Improve Your Lifestyle
When you are living in a way where you feel comfortable in your own skin it makes you very attractive.
On the flip side, if you hate your life then women aren't going to be very interested. Nor should they be.
One of the keys to a great relationship is to make sure that your life is in order and your lifestyle is congruent with who you are and who you want to be.
This means addressing your job, your social circle, your hobbies, your finances, your diet and your workout routine. Upgrade your lifestyle and you will upgrade your chances of finding a good woman.
Develop Your Character
Your character and personality develop through childhood and adolesence and are well formed by adulthood.
You can let it run on autopilot if you want and see what you get. Or you can make an effort to work on certain desirable traits that you want, but might not quite have.
Think of it like a video game character. If you do the work you can level up.
Working on your manliness by developing certain character traits is good for you in general and is a worthwhile pursuit. It also pays off handsomely when it comes to dating and relationships.
Things you could work on include:
- Work ethic
- Setting high personal standards
- Maintaining eye contact
Portray Yourself Well
It might not be that you have a lot to change. It might just be that you aren't selling yourself well.
Like it or not dating is a marketplace, so think of this as improving your marketing.
You could improve the product (you) or you could improve the way it is portrayed.
This means working on aspects of your appereance such as posture, style and ability to make small talk.
It also means getting that product (person) out in front of potential customers (women). This is the scary part because it means you have to put yourself out there. But if you don't then you are dooming yourself to failure.
You have to be prepared to appraoch and get rejected, as well as being prepared to expand your social circle in order to increase the number of people that you meet.
Where To Find A Good Woman
Did you know that only around 20% of heterosexual couples meet in bars or restaurants and that around 60% meet either through mutual friends or through some regular activity in their life such as work or school.
So if you are hanging around in nightclubs wondering why you can't meet good women then you need to address that.
It's not that you can't meet women there, because you can. In fact on of my best friends recently married a woman he met in a bar. It's just that statistically the chances aren't good.
Think about the demographics in your typical nightclub. If younger, immature party girls are not your type then stop hanging out where they hang out.
The best way to meet women is through friends or activities. That means having a wide and active social life and getting out and doing things.
Any kind of group or class or meetup based on your interests is the best way to go.
These are some great resources to help you:
- Yes, She's Out There by Men's Health
- 9 Places Where A Good Guy Can Meet A Good Girl by Good Guy Swag
It may be true that there isn't an abundance of good women out there. But don't stuck in the trap of blaming society and doing nothing yourself.
Work on making yourself a better man so that you are able to attract and retain one of the few good women that are out there.
Overcome your insecurities, improve your lifestyle and don't be afraid to put yourself out there.
- Gottman, J. et al (2016). The man's guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the "love lab" about what women really want. New York: Rodale.
- Buss, D. and Shackelford, T. (2008). Attractive Women Want it All: Good Genes, Economic Investment, Parenting Proclivities, and Emotional Commitment. Evolutionary Psychology, 6(1).
- Manson, M. (2011). Models. [U.S.]: CreateSpace.