Humans are social creatures.
You do have innate relationship skills.
You just have to get rid of your negative conditioning in order to uncover them.
The degree to which our social and relationship skills are innate or learned is a classic nature vs nurture debate. The science points to the fact that the development of our social skills is some combination of both.
Studies of twins have shown that genetics accounts for 45% of our personalities and behaviors. Our environment and circumstances account for the other 55%.
It is commonly argued that you have to learn how to be in a relationship, that it is a developed skill in a similar way to learning a language. In many ways I believe in that analogy.
Yet famous linguist Noam Chomsky has pointed out that even language acquisition is innate to a certain degree. Children are born with it.
So when it comes to relationships, I think that social skills are partly innate and partly learned. The innate skills are determined by your genes and the learned skills are determined by your environment.
A lot of pick up artist literature supports this idea. Many argue that there is an alpha male who is good with women in all of us. But they argue it is circumstance, environment and early formative experiences that determine whether this alpha male will be unleashed or not.
So is there an innate alpha in all of us? Perhaps. Humans are, without doubt, social creatures by nature and there is a strong argument to say that we are hardwired for social interaction. I believe there are innate social abilities that are determined by genetics.
These genetic social abilities may be enhanced or damaged by environmental factors. The boy who gets an early taste of leadership, success, confidence and has positive experiences in his childhood interactions with the opposite sex will enhance his genetic abilities. The boy who is not taught confidence, does not taste success and has awkward formative experiences with the oppostie sex will cloud any genetic abilities he has.
A lot of relationship advice (this site included) focuses on learning the language of relationships and love. It's not that this side of things is unimportant, because it is.
But there is also a lot to be said for ignoring this at times and focusing on rediscovering what you already innately know about how to relate to other humans.
Strip away the negative conditioning you have experienced. Undo the lessons that taught you to be shy, insecure and uncertain of yourself and relearn your innate human ability to connect with people.
How To Rediscover Your Innate Relationship Skills
1. Become Aware Of Your Relationship Weaknesses
Do some reflecting and perhaps even some journaling. I often find that writing down ideas helps a lot.
See if you can identify what the problems are and where those problem stemmed from. Think back to your childhood and teenage years. Were things going well socially for a period but then suddenly they crashed and burned? What was the trigger?
Often emotional problems from your formative years are suppressed. They impact you subconsciously but you aren't fully aware of them. If you can identify them you can then address the issue and get rid of their dead weight much more easily.
2. Talk Over Problems With Your Parents
Many people hold some sort of grudge against their parents. Often it's for causing some kind of perceived harm while they were growing up that has affected them later in life.
Relationships are a common problem and people will say that it's because of their upbringing that they are the way they are. Maybe it was a distant mother or an absent father. Maybe your parents did everything they could but you still feel slighted in some way.
If you have identified a problem in your relationship that you think might stem from your childhood then bring it up with your parents.
Talk it through, get their perspective and see if it shifts things in your mind. Just talking things over can be a catharsis.
I've certainly had this experience before and gained a lot of satisfaction from identifying the problem and discussing it with my mother.
Just remember though, who you are is 45% genetic, 55% environmental so you can't blame everything on your parents.
3. Read Some PUA
I'm not generally a big fan of the pick up artist (PUA) industry. The reason is that I don't like the idea of trying to push the right buttons in order to get a woman to date you or sleep with you. I'm a bit more old fashioned in that I think genuine connections are best formed by being real and that means just being yourself.
Yet there is a major positive contribution from the pick up artist community. That is the concept that "outer game" (pick up lines etc) and "inner game" (confidence, security etc) reinforce each other.
The benefit of PUA is that it builds a man's confidence and self esteem. Improving confidence and self esteem is valuable, whether it comes from being good at baseball, being a good dancer or being good at picking up women.
Learning pick up skills removes a layer of fear and allows you to interact with women normally, as just two people. There your innate skills can take over.
I recommend you read The Game by Neil Strauss, one of the most famous books in the industry, which details the authors journey from nerd to accomplished pick up artist.
What you will understand from that book is that it is possible for a self proclaimed nerd with limited social skills to learn (or rediscover) how to be good with women. Part of it was learning techniques but part of it was stripping away the shyness, insecurity and negativity that he had carried with him from his formative experiences and reconnecting with his masculinity.
We live in a politically correct world where young men are taught to be ashamed to express their sexuality and that expressing attraction for women is creepy. What PUA does is shatter the idea that sexual desires and advances are something to be ashamed of and reminds you that it is normal for men to be good at relating to women - of course always remembering to be a gentleman and not a creep.
Whether you are currently in a relationship or not I think this is still a good lesson to take on board. Men are innately social and sexual creatures and we shouldn't let social conditioning smother that.
4. Surround Yourself With The Type Of People You Want To Be
It was Jim Rohn that said you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. This is advice that is often given to people wanting to generate more wealth and success. The idea being if you hang out with rich people you will make more money.
I believe it is equally applicable to relationships. If you spend time with people who have a dysfunctional relationship then you will probably have a dysfunctional relationship. If you hang out with people who have healthy relationships, you will probably have a healthy relationship.
While this is an environmental factor that is more to do with nurture, I think it is important when it comes to stripping away the negative conditioning that prevents your innate abilities from flourishing. If your innate ability to have a good relationship is stifled from negative influences then get rid of those negative influences and replace them with positive ones.
If you were exposed to bad relationships as a child, perhaps with fighting parents or divorce, then reprogram yourself in adulthood by surrounding yourself with people who are successful in life and in relationships.
Learning the art of love and relationships is in many ways like learning any skill. You have to practice it and master it.
But with relationships there is also an innate hardwired component. Human beings are social creatures and men have a natural ability to engage in romantic relationships with women.
An environment that teaches you to lack confidence and to be insecure will hinder your innate ability. So to rediscover it you have to strip away the negative conditioning that has taught you to lack confidence in your relationships with women.
- 6 Reasons Why Men Display Insecurity In Relationships
- Overcoming Jealousy - How To Banish The Green Eyed Monster
- How To Control Your Emotional Insecurity
- The Causes Of Jealousy
- 6 Useful Tips To Stop Self Sabotage In Relationships