Why Men Display Insecurity In Relationships

Understanding why men have insecurity in relationships is half the battle to solving it.

When you know yourself, and understand some of the psychology and biology behind a problem it helps in overcoming it.

I write about how to overcome insecurity in another article.

That one touches on why men have insecurity in relationships and then explains some practical means to get over it.

This article is going to go into a lot more depth regarding the reasons why insecurity develops in the first place.

Fear vs Intent

In all things in the world and in life there is polarity.

Opposites. Dark and light, night and day, love and hate, yin and yang.

There are no absolutes and everything is merely a matter of degree.

You cannot hate someone completely without loving them even a tiny bit, whether you acknowledge it consciously or not. It is just a matter of degree.

The manner in which you proceed through life sits in between the poles of fear and intent. Do you move positively towards the things you want or do you run from the things you dislike?

We all do both but you will tend more often to one side than the other. It may be to a large degree or a small degree.

Insecurity in relationships comes when you are living from fear rather than intent. Instead of the positive decision to have a happy stable relationship you are seeking to avoid an outcome you do not like. It may be the fear that she is cheating, the fear that you are not good enough for her or any other fear. The key is that fear dominates.

Happy successful relationships come about when people are operating with intent. They create the circumstances they want in life rather than avoiding those they do not like.

This is evident in more than just relationships. In fitness it is the difference between trying to avoid becoming fat vs intending to become fit and strong. In your career it is avoiding a boring job vs chasing the job of your dreams. In your finances it is avoiding poverty vs consciously attaining wealth.

It is hard to let go of fear when you have nothing to replace it with. But positive intent is an excellent replacement. There is a good biblical saying that to light a room you do not need to shovel out the darkness, you just turn on the light. By adopting an intent based mindset you will automatically lose your fear.

Lack Of Self Confidence

The key fears that operate with insecurity in relationships are the fear that a woman will cheat or leave you and the fear that you are not good enough for her. Both of these come from a lack of self confidence.

If you think a woman is not good enough for you then you have two options. Wallow in despair and be miserable. Or tackle personal development and build up your self confidence. Insecurity in relationships can be overcome and is not something you are inherently stuck with.

Men like self confident women and women like self confident men. If she leaves you it is more likely to be because your fear based mindset will make you seem needy and lacking in confidence. You do not need to do anything to become confident, you just need an attitude of confidence.

The Conflict Between Biological And Social Expectation

I read an excellent article at Solve My Girl Problems that brought up a good point about a man's biological need to spread his seed and how that creates insecurity in relationships.

I believe there is no one right way to live and neither by society nor biology is it right or wrong to be polyamorous or monogamous. Having said that there is a biological urge felt in many men to sleep with many women. There is also a social expectation that a man will choose one woman and settle down.

The biological need to spread the seed comes about from the desire for a man's genes to continue into the next generation.

The problem is then this. If a man cheats on a woman his genes are not at risk. The woman that society expects him to be faithful to can still carry his baby if he cheats. So any other woman he sleeps with. This is why in a nuclear holocaust where there are ten surviving women and one surviving man it is expected that the man will impregnate all the woman to continue his genes and the human race.

However if a women cheats on a man then a man's genes are at risk. She may have another man's baby and not his own. This is not such a problem when a man is socially free to go and impregnate other women.

But in a society where monogamy is expected this creates a conflict. When a man is faithful to one women she becomes the only one who can carry his genes to the next generation. So he invests his emotions heavily in her. If she cheats then perhaps she will not continue his line. This creates the fear. Putting all your eggs in one biological basket is not good betting. But that is what most men do and this is what creates the fear based mindset.

It Is Easier For A Women To Cheat

This is a big one for causing insecurity in relationships. In the modern day it is easier for a woman to go out to a bar and get laid than it is for a man. A woman has more options. Therefore when a man lands a woman he wants to hold on tight and never let go. This creates the fear and neediness.

While it is true that most women can get an easy lay and most men can't this should not cause a problem for a badass man. If you are confident in yourself, your sexuality and your masculinity you should have no trouble getting laid and therefore you also will have no trouble even turning down sex.

It is all in the attitude. If you perceive yourself as never having a shot with anyone else it makes you more needy. You can argue to yourself that it is the truth but that is just you telling it to yourself. There is no objective truth saying you are bad with women. It is just a belief you hold in your mind. A belief can be changed and results can be changed.

If you are confident in your ability to find another catch then it removes this fear and takes away some of the fuel for insecurity in relationships.

Sexual Insecurity In Relationships

Men can have some major sexual insecurities regarding not being good enough. I think that society's attitude around this is really mixed up.

Read any magazine whether for women or men and they will make you think that all women are great at sex and all men are not. The art of pleasing a woman is all that they care about. This propaganda makes men assume that they are not good enough because supposedly all men are not good enough. And supposedly all women are great.

Granted this comes from the fact that it is easier for men to orgasm that women but it is not true that all women are great in bed. Some women have very low skill levels and are very clumsy.

Also women who do not masturbate are notoriously harder to bring to orgasm and it is not the man's fault if they are not in tune with their own sexuality.

We are all human and we all have different experience levels. We will all learn and with open communication we will all get better. The point I am trying to impress is that being bad in bed is not a male fallacy. It is a human thing. Women can be useless too.

Some women are so sexually repressed in their minds that they cannot orgasm, no matter how good you are. They need to be able to let it happen and if they do not it is not a failing on your part.

So accept your sexual experience for what it is and do not be fearful. A women who is open sexually will not curse you for your inexperience, she will help you and teach you.

Repressed Sexuality

In the modern day men are taught to repress their sexuality. Just as women are taught that it is not socially acceptable to open your legs men are taught that being too open about your sexual desires is crude, unwanted by women and will get us into trouble.

While society accepts a man who sleeps around more than a women who sleeps around it still tries to repress our sexuality.

A man who is overtly sexual is seen as a creep and women are taught to reject overly sexual men lest they be labelled a slut. So we go into our shells and shy away from our sexuality. We do not unleash our masculinity. Women can be women but men cannot be men. This causes male insecurity in relationships and is something women find hard to understand.

You have to play by society's rules to some degree. But in the bedroom and in your relationship you also have to learn to be a man and exude your masculinity. Many men hold their inner masculine nature back and try and be sensitive because their fear a woman's judgement. Most women would actually prefer their man to be a man.

It is the shutting down of manliness that turns women off and this in turn causes a man to fear and be insecure. Unleashing the manliness will keep the women interested and will eliminate much of the need for insecurity in relationships.

This whole problem of male insecurity in relationships comes down to a conflict between biology and society. We still have to live in this modern world regardless of how we think of it so we must find a balance. But key to finding that balance is understand what social constructs cause us to behave in certain ways and adopt certain mindsets. Once you understand that you can then consciously avoid them if you choose. Insecurity in relationships can be avoided by turning your attention towards it and understanding it.

Further Resources:

If you want to consider self treatment read my review on the self hypnosis program "10 Steps To Overcome Insecurity In Relationships."

For more information on how to deal with insecurity read my article "Overcoming Insecurity."

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› Insecurity In Relationships

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Brad Alexander

Brad Alexander is the author of Badass Young Men, where he shares his relationship wisdom. Learn more about Brad here. Subscribe to the newsletter or like on Facebook to keep in touch.