Why Jealousy And Insecurity Are Not The Same

Jealousy and insecurity are two closely related yet different things. Understanding the differences can help you overcome the trauma of these emotions.

The key difference is that insecurity is an internal state of mind, while jealousy is something that is triggered by external circumstances.

The reason jealousy and insecurity are related and often confused, is because if you are insecure you will experience more jealousy. This is because your internal insecurity makes you more sensitive to external events that might trigger a jealous reaction.

How Jealousy Is Caused By Insecurity

Imagine you are at a party and another man is trying to hit on your girl.

Even if you are the most secure guy you might feel a slight twang of jealousy. But you know that you are with a high value woman and the reality is that she is going to get hit on from time to time. A secure man doesn't begrudge this rival for showing interest.

You knows your girl can confidently deal with the situation so you remains calm. There is no need to fly into a jealous rage.

However play out the same situation as an insecure guy. You feels threatened by the other man. A fear arises within you that your woman could be stolen away by another man.

Why do you feel this? Because you have low self esteem, no sense of self worth and do not believe that you are satisfying the emotional needs of your woman. You fear that she could be swept away by another man at any time. And now it's happening right in front of you.

Remember I said that insecurity is an internal state of mind, while jealousy is something that is triggered by external circumstances.

The other man hitting on your girl is the external trigger that gives rise to the feeling of jealousy.

Yet the fear that your girl could leave you because you don't think you are good enough is insecurity.

The jealousy was triggered by your rival, but it wasn't really caused by him. It was already within you.

Why Insecurity Is A Bigger Problem Than Jealousy

jealousy and insecurity

In a way you can compare jealousy and insecurity to chronic and acute pain. Chronic pain stays for a long time, like insecurity. Acute pain is the result of an isolated event and once it heals it disappears, like jealousy.

Once the cause for jealousy has been vanquished i.e. the other man is given his marching orders, the feelings subside relatively quickly. Insecurity however lives on within you and is a constant nagging pain.

An insecure man is much more likely to experience jealousy. Somebody who was secure with himself and his relationship would not fear another man hitting on his woman. He would trust her to turn him away.

A secure man is not afraid to lose his partner. Paradoxically this makes it less likely that he will as insecurity drives women away.

That is not to say that secure men cannot experience bouts of jealousy from time to time. It happens, but it is much rarer. As long as the acute short term jealousy does not translate into long term chronic insecurity then there is minimal harm done.

However an insecure man will experience jealousy on a frequent basis. He will see threats everywhere and the smallest things will trigger a bout of jealousy.

An insecure man will see the external stimulus as the problem. This turns into controlling behavior because he sees the cure to his problem as controlling his environment so as to prevent anything from setting him off.

It's hard for an insecure man to see that the external environment is not the problem. The problem lies within and therefore the solution too lies within.

How To Overcome Jealousy And Insecurity

The key to overcoming both these emotions is to accept that it is something that is within your control to solve. As long as you accept responsibility and refuse to blame others then you can deal with it.

I've written other articles on the specifics of how to overcome jealousy and insecurity:

I would also recommend checking out the self guided hypnosis program, "10 Steps To Overcome Insecurity In Relationships."


Insecurity is the lack of confidence and self esteem that causes you to question whether your girl is really committed to the relationship or not.

When you doubt her integrity you will see threats to the relationship everywhere and these will manifest themselves in bouts of jealousy.

We all experience a little bit of jealousy from time to time, but for those suffering insecurity it is a regular and ongoing thing.

Conquer the insecurity and you will conquer the jealousy.