Overcoming insecurity is important if you have issues with fear and jealousy in relationships.
While we all have our problems, concerns and worries, severe emotional insecurity is not something that a healthy man should have.
It is normal for the thought of her cheating on you or leaving you to cross your mind from time to time.
It's not normal for that to turn into a debilitating fear that consumes you and destroys the relationship.
The good news is that being insecure is something that can be overcome.
You do not have to succumb to fear or constant paranoia over whether your woman is going to leave you or cheat on you.
You can learn how to stop being paranoid and how to stop being insecure.
But to do so you need to own the problem, stop making excuses and put the onus on yourself to sort it out.
Learning to deal with this fear will give you confidence, peace of mind and less stress. It will also stop your girl thinking you are crazy for being so paranoid.
She Probably Isn't Cheating On You
So you're punching above your weight and have caught a stunner? It's easy then to get caught in the trap of thinking she's going to leave you at any given moment. But think about it:
- She chose you and she's still with you
- She obviously wants to be with you
- She probably isn't going to leave you or cheat on you
- Women don't cheat if they are in happy and secure relationships
- You have the ability make her happy
So stop worrying and instead concentrate on making her happy. As long as you can do that she will stay by your side.
She will only stray if she isn't getting what she needs from the relationship. And a paranoid partner isn't what she needs. Your constant fear will more likely be what drives her away.
Paranoia comes from a fear based mindset where you have a negative opinion of yourself.
I had a bout of paranoia when I was in my first serious relationship as a teenager. But she never cheated on me, she was absolutely smitten. I just thought I wasn't good enough for her, so I thought she must be cheating. With all those better guys out there I figured it was inevitable she would find another one.
But I was good enough for her, I just needed to realize it myself. She knew it, but I didn't.
I needed confidence and to see in myself what she saw in me.
Overcoming my insecurity would have possible in that relationship. But I didn't even try because I thought it was normal to feel that way. The relationship died, in large part to my insecurity, but I learned some valuable lessons.
You Can't Live In Fear
But on the bright side, that also means 85-89% of women will be faithful.
While there is chance it might happen, you can't live your life in fear. In the same way you shouldn't live your life in fear of terrorism, being in traffic accident or being diagnosed with cancer. These things can happen and you will deal with them if they do, but you don't live in fear of them.
Overcoming insecurity is about overcoming a pessimistic outlook in life. Most likely it affects you in more than just your relationships and isn't an isolated problem.
Assume your girl isn't cheating and live your life based on that assumption. If on the rare chance you find out she is then you will have to deal with it. But you can't live your life expecting the worst to happen.
You Can't Control Her
Overcoming insecurity in relationships will not only make your life better. It will also mean your girl can have a life as well.
There are few things that annoy a girl more than a controlling man. She will have male friends. And she will have girl's nights out where she perves on good looking men.
Accept it. That doesn't mean she's going to forget about you and spread her legs for anyone. You're her man, she wants you. But she has the rest of her life to live as well. She needs that freedom and you need to give it to her.
As a young man you will have female friends. And some of them are so smoking that you would ravage them if you could. But you won't because you love your girl. It's the same for her.
You need the freedom to be able to see a stripper at a bachelor party without your girl getting all crazy. So give her the same respect.
What You Fear Will Come True
If you live in constant fear of her leaving you or cheating on you it is more likely to happen. She will know your feelings, know your fear and she will lose respect for you because of it.
Overcoming insecurity will actually prevent her from leaving. Because if you are insecure you will try and hold onto her tighter. And the tighter you grab the more likely you are to push her away and into somebody else's arms.
A woman won't put up with paranoid behavior for long. Eventually you will lose her. And all it would have taken to keep her was a positive attitude and no fear.
Respect that she is honest. Trust her. And she will stay. Life your live with a positive mindset and just let go of all that tension. Life is good.
Be badass, be the man. Stop thinking that you are lucky to have her and start thinking that she is lucky to have you. Remember you are bringing something good to the table as well. She can see it, so you need to learn to see the value in yourself as well.
How To Overcome Insecurity
1. Stop Being Selfish
Insecurity in men often comes from being selfish and possessive. Stop demanding all your woman's time. She needs to spend time with friends (male friends as well) and you need to trust that that's all she is doing.
2. Stop Trying To Win Her Approval
If you are insecure and fear your woman will leave you there is a tendency to try too hard to win her approval. This also leads to over protective behavior.
You start going overboard with the flowers and romantic dates. This just makes you look like less of a man and like a groveling little child. If she is with you then you already have approval. So act like it.
3. Don't Depend On Her For Your Well Being
Is your woman everything to you? Is she the only thing you live for? Not only is that sad but it is an easy path to jealousy.
When she is the only thing you've got you fear letting go of her. Secure men don't depend on their relationship for all their satisfaction in life. They have other things that bring them happiness. So if their woman leaves it won't crush them or tear them in two.
Get the rest of your life in order and insecurity won't be such a big deal.
4. Don't Be Afraid To Talk About Exes
When I had my first girlfriend she had already had three before me. I was insecure about it and didn't like talking about it. But I grew out of that.
The people I learned from were my Dad and stepmother. They talked about exes all the time. The main reason for that was they had kids with their ex so the ex was still part of their lives.
But I saw no jealousy and no insecurity. I came to learn that an ex is a part of a person's life. They are a part of all those past experiences that make a person who they are in the present. They are just as much a part of you as every other friend you have had.
It doesn't mean talk about them all the time, just don't be mortified if they come up in conversation. Secure people can handle it. Overcoming insecurity means accepting the past for what it is - history.
5. Assume The Best
You can tie yourself up in knots about something that isn't even true. Overcoming insecurity means being an optimist and assuming the best.
6. Go Deeper Into The Mind
All the reasons just listed are great ways to overcome insecurity. But sometimes, they alone are not enough. They might change things on the surface but they don't go deep enough.
I understand that making a significant change in your thought processes is a really difficult thing to do.
If you really struggle with insecurity, you need a serious hard hitting solution that is going to make a quick and long lasting impact.
You need something that replaces your negative thought patterns with positive ones.
You could pay thousands for expensive therapy.
Or you could try the self guided hypnosis program that I recommend called "10 Steps To Overcome Insecurity In Relationships."
It's a comprehensive step by step process to get rid of insecurity and in the process, make you a better partner and a better man.
Insecurity and fear are common feelings in young men. Especially when they are in relationships with women they think are too good for them.
If you are feeling insecure you are not alone.
You can't control her and living in fear of the worst will slowly wear you down. So you have to take her at her word that she wants to be with you and trust her judgement over your own self doubt.
Work on your own personal development so you can improve your confidence and self esteem. When you feel good about yourself you are far less likely to feel insecure about your girl. You will trust her when she says she wants to be with you because you will know that you are a catch.
- Laumann, E. (1994).The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
Image credit: Skedonk