Overcoming jealousy and the underlying fear and insecurity that causes it is crucial if you want a happy and healthy relationship.
Experiencing jealousy is a sign that you do not have control over your emotions and that your emotions have control over you.
Jealousy is a reaction to external circumstances that make you feel threatened. If another man is moving in on your woman you feel threatened.
You fear what you might lose. This makes you jealous and that often leads to anger. This is all because of an underlying insecurity that you are not good enough. If you are secure and confident in your relationship there is no reason to be jealous.
And if you are secure and confident in yourself then you do not fear the loss of the relationship.
If you are an insecure person however a large portion of your identity will have been placed in the relationship and you have a grave fear about the relationship ever disintegrating. This makes you insecure about the relationship and you fear external threats at every turn. So when you notice any potentially threatening behavior you get instantly jealousy as a way of protecting the relationship.
Embrace The Jealous Feelings
You have to be aware of your behavior in order to understand it. Therefore you shouldn't try and bury the jealous feelings when they emerge. The key to overcoming jealousy is to listen to your feelings, understand them and then overcome them.
Ask yourself why you feel threatened. What do you feel like you have to lose? Why are you so afraid of losing that thing? The jealousy is trying to tell you something, you just have to figure out what it is.
Understand Jealousy Is Well Intentioned
Jealousy is not a hateful reaction. It often results in anger and many men use that anger as a tool to wield control over their partners and punish them for their perceived indiscretions that led to the jealousy.
But ultimately the jealousy is a defensive reaction that an insecure man uses to protect his territory.
Overcoming jealousy is done by removing the fear of loss.
Instead of living with a constant fear and insecurity you live at peace because you have a high level of trust in the relationship and enough security in yourself that the things that used to be perceived as threats no longer phase you.
What you really need to understand is that none of this is achieved by changing the world "out there."
It is done by you changing the beliefs you hold in your mind which drive the way that you perceive your external surroundings.
How To Overcome Jealousy
Uncover The Underlying Insecurity That Is Causing The Reaction
Forget about trying to combat whatever trigger causes your jealousy because it won't solve your problem or help you in your mission of overcoming jealousy. If her talking to other men makes you jealous then you may think that preventing her from doing that will solve the problem. It won't. All it will do is send you into a spiral of controlling behavior and drive her away. You need to deal with the underlying problem so that you won't get jealous when she talks to other men.
If you see jealousy as an isolated feeling then you will never be able to overcome it. It is merely one step in the chain of negative emotions. It is emerging because of deeper insecurities that you are experiencing.
If you want to deal with it you have to uncover what is driving it. This is going to be slightly different for each person but at the core is a fear of loss. You are afraid to lose the relationship and therefore you perceive threats and develop negative emotions around them.
You Don't Have To Change Anything, Just Your Perceptions
A jealous man tries to change the world around him. He tries to get his partner to act differently. He tries to get in the way of any one he sees as a threat. He wants to control others so they conform to his belief of how the world should be.
The jealous man will never be satisfied until everyone is under his complete control. This of course is impossible. And the more you try to control the more others rebel, which makes you try and control even more.
The way to overcoming jealousy is to relinquish this control freak behavior. Because you do not need to change anything other than your perceptions. Jealousy stems an insecurity about not being good enough. If you are happy and secure in who you are then there is no need to ever feel jealous.
Understand that it is the way you see the world and not the world itself that is at fault. This means taking responsibility for the problem and responsibility for the solution.
Self acceptance is a crucial piece of the overcoming jealousy puzzle. The insecurity that leads to jealousy stems from low self esteem and belief that you are not good enough.
This is what you really need to examine. Pay attention to this and ask yourself why you cannot accept yourself. This is a bigger problem than just jealousy and will be causing many problems in your life and relationships.
The more you can accept yourself the less you need validation and love from other people for your own self worth. If you derive self worth from you then it diminshes the fear of losing your partner, because you know you can survive without her. This in turn diminishes the need to feel jealous.
It is counter intuitive but if you don't fear losing your women you are more likely to end up keeping her. The fear is what drives her away.
Don't Compare, There Is Always Someone Better And Worse
Our society has developed in us a constant habit of comparing. We measure everything including ourselves. The more you compare yourself to others the more insecure you feel.
Overcoming jealousy means letting go of constant comparisons. Part of accepting yourself for who you are is to reduce the amount you need to compare. There is nothing wrong with looking at someone for inspiration. But do not look at someone in order to make yourself feel small. There is always someone better and worse at anything you do. So there is no point wasting time agonizing over comparisons.
Just Let It Go
So some other man is hitting on your woman? Just let it go. There is no problem with a little bit of harmless flirting. She has chosen to be with you so just trust that she will act with integrity. Life is a whole lot easier when you just let it go and assume the best. The chances that she is going to cheat on you or leave you if you are in a happy relationship are slim to none.
And if it isn't a happy relationship then perhaps it is like that because your jealousy is driving her away. Again just let it go. Give up the self righteous victim act because in the end it doesn't help anybody when overcoming jealousy - neither you nor her.
If you are committed to dealing with jealousy I recommend a self hypnosis program called "Overcoming Jealousy." This is part of a larger program called "10 Steps To Overcoming Insecurity In Relationships."
- Overcoming Insecurity - How To Stop Being Paranoid About Your Woman
- Why Men Display Insecurity In Relationships
- Jealousy And Insecurity - What's The Difference
- Dealing With A Jealous Girlfriend
- The Causes Of Jealousy