Not sure if you have a savior complex?
Do you notice yourself trying to fix your girlfriend?
Do you feel like you are her hero, saving her from her horrible post?
Do you think she needs your constant attention and support and do you love giving it to her?
You sir, might be a man who loves to be a savior.
A savior complex is when you ride in as a white knight in shining armor to save the troubled girl from her otherwise horrible fate.
In other words, she's got problems, and you think that only you can solve them.
You may think that you are being this wonderful kind man, but actually it's you who are being the needy one. A savior complex is more about you than about her and is a subtle way of exercising control and making someone dependent on you.
You don't want to "save" her out of noble chivalry, you want to do it because you are insecure and you want to be needed.
Relationships that are built on shaky foundations where one partner is seen as weak and in need are not healthy.
If you ever catch yourself trying to act the savior then you need to give yourself a slap. It's a horrible thing that can make your life hell and, even if it was a good thing, it never works. The only person who can ever save someone is themselves.
Why You Should Never Try To Be A Savior In A Relationship
A Nice Guy Is Not Necessarily An Attractive One
One of the main problems with trying to be a savior is that it puts you into the category of nice guy.
You try to make it very clear that you are not one of the "bad guys" that has treated her poorly in the past and broken her heart. You are one of the "nice guys," the genuine respectful guys who will treat her with great care.
You assume that by being so nice and caring, she will be attracted to you, grateful to you and therefore commit to a relationship with you.
The problem is that niceness and attraction are not the same, and in fact are often contradictory.
A man with no backbone who will drop everything to be nice to his girl is not attractive. He is weak and needy.
That's why nice guys get friend zoned, or if they do manage to get into a relationship the attraction dies very quickly.
Attraction is completely different beast to niceness. That's why girls are often attracted to the supposed "bad boys." Of course you can still be a man who creates attraction while having nice traits, you just never want to be the stereotypical "nice guy."
The reality is that in a relationship you have to be prepared to break a woman's heart. She will give your heart to you and that makes her vulnerable. Maybe you will stay together forever, but if not, chances are you are going to break her heart one day.
If you have a savior complex this prevents you from ever hurting her. This means you will never be able to break up with her, even if it's the right thing to do for both of you.
Being a savior traps you as a nice guy in a needy relationship, from which it is hard to escape.
You Should Never Go Looking For Baggage
Do you go looking for baggage to try and fix it? Do you love deep and meaningful conversations because you get to hear about all her problems, all her insecurities and all her baggage?
Emotional issues are naturally going to arise in any relationship. When they do you will have to talk them over and work through them. They will help you get to know your girl on a deeper level and as you work through them they can help bring you closer together as a couple.
But only deal with them as they naturally arise. Don't go hunting for them.
It would be great to have a girl who is 100% baggage free and completely emotionally stable and secure, but this is unrealistic. So while some degree of baggage is inevitable, it should still be a necessary inconvenience. It shouldn't be something you revel in, to get your savior complex fix.
You Can't Solve Her Problems
Men love to fix things. Unfortunately that often includes their girlfriend's problems.
The best you can ever do is be a support while she works her own shit out. You can never actually solve her problems.
So it's a waste of time to even try as all your white knight efforts go unrewarded.
Even if you could solve all her problems it's no guarantee of attraction or love. Many insecure men make the mistake of thinking if they do everything for their girl, including solving their emotional dilemmas, they will win their heart.
All that does is make you the pathetic one as you show yourself to be a man who needs a woman to be dependent on him for his own self esteem.
This will likely cause the opposite of love and attraction and will cultivate resentment. She won't enjoy the idea that you are the font of all wisdom and the answer to all her afflictions.
Seeing Your Partner As A Project Is Condescending
Your partner is a person, not a problem to be fixed. She should be your equal in the relationship.
By painting her as the damsel in distress and you as the savior you tip the balance.
Not only is this disrespectful but it's condescending. Every woman needs love and support, but she doesn't need a self important man with a savior complex trying to run her life.
Women find men who want to fix them incredibly annoying and if they are switched on they will run a mile when they see one.
A Savior Complex Is Needy And Shows Severe Insecurities
The well intentioned desire to save someone is not altruistic but is in fact selfish and needy.
It is a form of control and a subtle way to attempt to make someone else dependent on you.
You need her to be weak and insecure so that she becomes dependent on you because it makes you feel better.
Secure men let their partners be free to deal with their own problems. Insecure men want to be in control and they want their girlfriend to need them. They do this because they think that if the girl is made to be dependent on her savior it means she is less likely to leave. The insecure man fears a free and independent woman might desert him.
This is why if you are a savior you don't actual want your girl to have all her problems solved and her baggage dealt with. Because then she doesn't need saving anymore. You want the girl to stay vulnerable and perpetually dependent on the savior. Because it's all about you.
You might catch yourself trying to be a savior from time to time. Or you might have a serial savior complex and your whole mission in relationships is to be a girl's hero.
You need to understand that this is insecure, ineffective and downright condescending behavior.
Recognize that you have an issue, as this is the first step to overcoming it. Once you become aware of your behavior you can work to change it.
- Why Men Display Insecurity In Relationships
- Overcoming Jealousy - How To Banish The Green Eyed Monster
- Jealousy And Insecurity - What's The Difference?
- Overcoming Insecurity: How To Stop Being Paranoid About Your Girl
- You Need To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend