6 Useful Tips To Stop Self Sabotage In Relationships

Do you find yourself committing self sabotage in relationships on a regular basis? If so then you need to do something about it. Otherwise you might find yourself growing old and alone.

When you find yourself confronted with a recurring problem in life it's a message. A sign that you have got things you need to figure out.

This isn't some crazy esoteric spiritual idea. If you keep hitting the same roadblock it's evidence that you are doing something wrong. So you need to take responsibility for fixing it.

You cannot keep blaming it on circumstances or blaming someone else. You have to man up and take charge.

Preventing self sabotage in relationships is not a quick fix. It requires reflection and soul searching to figure out why it is happening. Then you have to commit to the personal growth to overcome the problem that is actually causing it. Yet while it is challenging it is a rewarding process. You will find a lot out about yourself and if successful, you will unlock the ability to enjoy a deep and loving relationship.

How To Prevent Self Sabotage In Relationships

self sabotage in relationships

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1. Observe And Reflect Upon Your Behavior

The key to dealing with self sabotage is to figure out what is causing it. You need to detach a little bit and observe your own behavior. This isn't so you can be critical and beat yourself up. The idea is that by observing your own behavior it should help you figure out what the problem is. Observe how you behave, observe the triggers for that behavior and look at how you react. Can you find a pattern?

Reflect on past relationships. Try and figure out what went wrong by looking for patterns of behavior. Journaling is an excellent way of uncovering these patterns.

2. Stop Looking For Perfection

Unfortunately there is no such thing as the perfect 10. No girl can be perfect in every way, and if that is what you are looking for then you will be disappointed.

One common cause of self sabotage is the emergence of a woman's flaws. Subconsciously you decide you can't deal with it and so you flee the relationship. The problem is that you will find the same issue recurring with the next girl and the next girl.

It's not that you haven't found the right girl. It's that you aren't prepared to be in a relationship with somebody who is less than perfect. Try not to get irritated by trivial things and see the whole person.

3. Overcome Insecurity

When you get close to someone you fear that you might lose them. When you were dating early on this didn't matter so much. The relationship wasn't advanced enough to fear loss.

But once things start getting serious, you start worrying about what might happen if she leaves you. So you change and turn into someone who is clinging to your girl out of fear, rather than someone who interacts with her because you enjoy it.

She will feel your insecurity and experience the tension. It will cause friction in the relationship and often it can lead to a break up. All because it became serious enough that you were afraid to lose her. Make sure you deal with your insecurity so it doesn't sabotage things.

4. Get Over The Loss Of Independence Myth

One common cause of self sabotage is the desire to maintain independence at all costs. Does getting close to a woman make you nervous because you think other parts of your life will be over? Do you shoot yourself in the foot and prevent the intimacy from progressing on this basis? Your girl wonders why you have detached and things slowly break down.

Forget the media portrayal of the whipped groveling guy in a relationship. Relationships happen on the terms that both of you set out. You don't have to lose any independence that you don't want to.

Even if you are worried you will never be able to sleep with another woman you can make sure you find a girl that is open to non-monogamy.

If you are worried about your girl taking up all your time then make sure you are with someone who gives you the freedom you need.

The point is that this fear of losing one's independence is a cliche and it doesn't have to be true if you don't want it to.

5. Don't Use Practicality As An Excuse

Practicality and logistics is always a good excuse for your subconscious to self sabotage a relationship. She is too young, too old, lives too far away, is too busy at work etc.

You can always find a logical reason not to be with someone if you look for it. This is a classic response by a guy who is afraid to get too close. Make a pact with yourself that you won't accept "it wouldn't be practical" as an excuse. If it feels right, find a way.

6. Accept A Loss Of Control

Being in a relationship puts you at the mercy of somebody else. Your girl has the ability to hurt you, to deceive you, to cheat on you, to leave you, to tell your secrets. This takes a large degree of control away from you and gives a huge amount of power to someone else. "Sure, things are going great now," you tell yourself, "But what if things turn to custard? She has so much emotional power over me."

This thought alone is enough to cause men to self sabotage. The thought of someone else having any power over them is abhorrent.

But this is just the nature of relationships and you have to learn to get over this. You have to learn to become vulnerable. Yes, it opens you up to hurt, but on the flip side vulnerability also opens you up to the best parts of relationships. It is how you really grow and develop the space between you.

There are many things in life where others have some control over you, but you have to take the good with the bad. Employment is like this - it comes with a lot of benefits but you could always get fired. Being in a sports team is very similar - the coach could drop you to the bench.

A girl can always hurt you but that is not a good reason to avoid being a relationship. It's just a part of the territory that you have to get used to. Just like getting fired or dropped to the bench, being hurt might be painful but it is never the end of the world.


If you have experienced recurring self sabotage in relationships then it is time to take ownership of the problem. For some reason you are afraid to get too close to a woman.

Figure out why that is, so that you can stop it happening in the future. Your behavior and your mindset need to change. It can be done but only if you accept responsibility and do what you need to do to change.

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