It's important to be able to judge a woman's character without falling prey to emotion.
After all you are essentially screening her for her potential to be a compatible relationship partner.
Chemistry and sexual attraction can easily blind a man to a woman's personality and character.
The adrenaline and dopamine rush you experience early on in a relationship can make you overlook major issues or red flags if you are not careful.
While it can be hard, it is best to do some serious evaluation early on in the relationship before you get too serious. This saves you getting too emotionally involved with someone who is actually a bad match, as it becomes much harder to break up later on.
Don't be afraid to ruthlessly judge a girl early on. You aren't judging her as being a good or bad person, you are merely judging whether she is a good match for you. You are determining whether or not to pursue a relationship with this woman, so it is your right and duty to ensure she meets your high standards.
The best way to do this is what Mark Manson calls polarization. 1 Being authentic, vulnerable and controversial in order to quickly filter the good matches from the bad.
When judging a woman, these are the things to look for.
1. What Are Her Values?
Can you distinguish a set of values that guide her life? It doesn't have to be a fixed rigid code but you should be able to tell if she some consistency in her approach to life. You should be able to see whether she is guided by principle or whether she lives life on a whim.
Does she have a purpose or does she live aimlessly? Often those who have values will also have a purpose. It's what gets them out of bed each day and gets them excited to be alive.
Her purpose and values might be different to yours. That's okay because as long as she has them then you will be able to find out if you are compatible. The fact that she is mature enough to have thought about her values suggests she is a woman of good character. Even if you don't perfectly align it's still a good sign.
The problem with dating a girl without values and without a purpose is that she essentially has no compass guiding her through life. It means her life direction can be volatile and unpredictable. You never know which way she is going to turn.
You will be able to find these things out when you get to the stage where you have deep and meaningful conversations about the nature of the world and the meaning of life.
2. How Does She Treat Others?
This includes how she treats friends, family, colleagues, strangers and most tellingly, subordinates.
If she treats others well and speaks well of people then you know that she has integrity and humility and is not completely self absorbed.
If she is judgmental, condescending, critical and negative towards others then watch out. She will always have to be right and others will always be inferior to her.
Watch in particularly about how she talks about ex boyfriends because that is big giveaway to how she will approach relationships. If she has had many exes and blames everything on them then it's a sign of immaturity and a lack of self reflection.
3. What Are Her Close Relationships Like?
When you have been dating a girl for a while you will start to meet her friends, family and colleagues.
If these relationships are on the whole positive and have some depth then you are looking at a woman with good character. Most likely she will have a small number of good friends, rather than a large number of shallow superficial friends. Some of these good friends have probably been around a long time. This is another good sign because it means she is the type of person worth sticking to.
Her relationship with her parents will be mostly positive. This shows that she doesn't harbor any major resentment or baggage from childhood.
A warning sign is a girl who has little depth in her personal relationships. The relationship with her parents might be strained, more what you would expect from a hormonal teenager than a mature adult. She probably goes to a lot of parties and has a huge quantity of friends, but no truly good friends. She probably has a big social media following.
Has she had a lot of sexual partners? This alone is not a warning sign, as emotionally healthy women can choose to sleep with a lot of people. But sometimes it is driven by low self esteem and insecurity. So it may be a sign she has trouble getting close to people and uses sex to mask that pain.
4. Does She Take Responsibility For Her Life?
A woman of good character takes responsibility for her life. She doesn't think that the anybody owes her anything and she works hard to make her way in the world. She doesn't want a free pass. She accepts that she can make mistakes or be wrong.
A woman of questionable character will avoid taking responsibility for her actions and her life. She will always find someone else to blame and thinks that the world owes her something.
She will be easily bored and has no stickability. She is always on the lookout for something new.
5. Is She Resilient?
Life can be hard and we all have to deal with major setbacks at times. Consider how your girl handles challenges, stress and negative emotions.
A good sign is when she takes it in her stride and doesn't let it phase her.
A warning sign is when life gets her down and it all becomes too much.
Unless you want to be coming to her rescue everytime life gets too hard (which I don't recommend) then you should look for a woman who has things together and gets on with it even under difficult circumstances.
6. How Crazy Is She?
Chase Amante has an awesome explanation of the boring to crazy spectrum that all people find themselves on.
A normal boring girl will be stable and reliable but might not quite light your fire. A crazy girl will be wild and fun but by comparison will be unstable and unreliable.
A crazy girl can suck you in early on, with her charisma, enthusiasm and good sex. But she may not be the best choice for a long term relationship.
She will carry a lot of baggage from the past and while she loves to live in the present, she can be terrible at planning for the future.
As Chase argues, this is a spectrum, and we all have our preferences. But make sure you think about whether she has the right mix of boring and crazy.
7. Is She Humble?
A woman of good character knows her own strength and doesn't feel the need to parade it in front of people.
She is happy to be a little shy and a little bit reserved. Not because she lacks confidence, but because she doesn't feel the need to show off because she isn't looking for validation from others.
Insecure women lack humility. To cope with their lack of self esteem they are on a constant mission to project their traits to the world. They want to show off and be seen.
8. Does She Have An Intellectual Interest In The World?
She might not share exactly the same interests or point of view as you, but a woman of good character will have some intellectual interest in the world.
It may be history, politics, economics, current affairs, philosophy or something similar. The point is she has her head switched on and is conscious of the world around her.
If all she is interested in is reality TV and the latest celebrity gossip then chances are she won't be able to stimulate your intellectual interest over a long relationship.
Don't be afraid of judging a woman's character. After all you are deciding whether you want to pursue a relationship with her.
Consider her values, how she treats others and in particular whether she takes responsibility for her life.
She will notget a perfect score across all categories. But you can use this to get a holistic view of whether or not she is right for you.
- Manson, M. (2011). Models: Attract Women Through Honesty [U.S.]: CreateSpace.
Image credit: Pedro